They say you don’t really know a person at all. I beg to differ and in that I think it takes a lot more than just ‘knowing’ a person to really see who they are. By that I mean, you really have to judge a persons character by their past experiences, trauma, hardships and every other issues that may have stifled them along the way and never knowing or realizing the extent of their troubled past, it’s hard to truly see who they are and why they are. In such a sense, I cannot fairly judge a person for specific actions that have taken place as a result of such an unpleasant past. I wish this girl would see that after all this time and trouble that I may be the one, the only person, who now fully understands and gets it.. or gets her and the way she was, is, may be and as to why… and more so why now I accept it because I’ve had time to truly understand it.
Unfortunately, my past had not been very pleasant either but for different reasons and yet I never truly seen the common underlying issues we actually both struggled through as a result of both our past experiences and ultimately how it affected both of us during our relationship. If I would have sat down and analytically thought out the entire situation instead of getting in heated arguments due to emotions overstepping any real mental comprehension, we would have probably been unstoppable. We still could be, especially with said new found understanding of everything. I’m a forgiver, it was always my strong point and she had always been a fighter in the most understanding way, she was always the super glue to our relationship. Truth is, I felt the need to continuously question and break what we had together to know she still had it in her to fight ‘for us’ to know that everything I was doing would not be taken for granted as in previous relationships when females had taken advantage of me in various ways. I’m not sure she will ever truly believe or see how much I honestly cared despite my odd ways in assuring everything was ‘true’ and ‘real’ but I guess you can only expect so much from any single person before they also question it, ultimately feeling as I had due to previous broken relationships and feeling as if she had lost even though the entire time she had actually already won.
It’s sad to realize after it has all been done and said that the things I was upset about her doing (random chats, extending to different people for different reasons) I too was doing only within the relationship. We were both seeking different degrees of acceptance to deal with our past issues but both in ways that were ultimately destructive to our relationship. I was seeking acceptance from her, the girl I was with, with the need of consistent reassurance as to know that she would not fail me like past relations have yet at the same time, she was seeking the same acceptance but instead of directing the efforts to me, the chosen route was an alternate path and for different reasons. By my feeling of constant need for reassurance while at the same time her need for always feeling to be ‘safe’ in the sense that someone would always be there for her, we reached out in different ways, unknown to each other the deeply rooted issues we both had but blinded by the side issues and not the actual core problems because we were blindsided. It almost makes me wonder if counseling (couple counseling) would have shed light on the entire situation before coming to such an uncomfortably mind riffing end and ultimately such heartache that has followed as a result. I needed her reassurance but she needed a backup plan it seemed, just in case… but the need for both caused the relationship to clash and spiral out of control.
I’ll take you for who you are and why you are if you’ll take me for everything… is probably what I would say. By that I mean, I would be the reassurance that would reassure me and by being that, the alternative route seeking options of back up plans in case the current one fails would have ceased to exist for her… she would no longer feel the need to search just in case. I should have proven my commitment by backing it up instead of questioning and further solidifying the bond or strength of the relationship by fulfilling the family life and dream and needs of showing that I will always be there by marriage and a kid of our own, which probably would have been the single and most important relationship changing factor, for the better. If you give a girl what she really wants (may it be commitment by marriage and/or by child) the chances of her feeling the need to reach out for acceptance from others nearly diminishes completely…. or at that point so I would think. Even though she had a difficult time agreeing to the fact, I know how much she wanted a kid of her very own and I understood it and wish I would have just talked more openly minded about the very real possibility of it actually happening. She was always such a caretaker and would have honestly, in my opinion despite what I would say, make a very decent mother. To have my help on the side would have only reinforced that and any lingering strangeness of having my daughter would have completed full circle because she would have a sister that would definitely connect her in a very real way to both of us.
I never really thought about how deeply torn the idea of abandonment meant because before I had never analytically evaluated her past but now that I know, she had done to me exactly what she had feared would happen to her and that was abandoned me. Maybe by doing so it would give her the feeling of being in control for once, finally having the upper hand or taking charge, the feeling that she wasn’t going to be abandoned or left because she was the one who left instead. Despite all the questions and so on, I never wanted to leave or would have actually left. There was really no reason to. She was a great girl that had the same issues as I did and yet it was the single thing we both failed to connect at and instead of leading us to victory for the rest of lives, it tore us apart and destroyed everything we were and meant to be. Outside of my first marriage, I had never invested so much time, effort and thought that included my daughter in the picture as family and at the end of it all I think that hurts the most. My daughter had finally accepted her as a second mother so to speak and to have her disappear like so in such a way is definitely going to impact my daughters life and most likely not for the positive, it’s one that concerns me.
My daughter, strangely only being 10, spent the last few weekends with me, holding on to me and realizing the pain and suffering I was going through as a result of all the recent issues even though she didn’t have to say a word. She acts differently and is very calm and observing suddenly, as if watching the wounds of her father is enough to make you feel like she totally understands but I can only assume she’s confused but being such a sweetheart about it by showing her utmost sensitive and caring side, a side you would never expect from a child so young, only deepens my pain to an extent that is unfair and beyond me.
I remember telling myself that I would always need to find a person that is capable of hurting me more than any girl I had ever been with in the past and questioned if I would ever find such a person. The moment I came home and realized she had left was the very pain searing moment I realized I had found that one girl that was capable of hurting me more than anyone else had done in the past, and she did. She was the one up to all but ultimately broke — shattered, my heart… by abandonment… something she had experienced far too many times before but had been my very first in the sense of actually ensuring an absolute cutoff from me permanently. She had turned her fear of abandonment into action, ultimately not only breaking my heart, 3 years of growing together but also the home life my daughter had grown used to and accepted.
Parts of me wonder how someone that supposedly loved me could do such a thing to someone they claimed to have loved but it’s truly knowing someone for more than just who they are is why I understand the reasoning when you take their past into consideration. I hope that someday we could reconcile…. I long for the day to share proper understanding with the girl that had been my best friend, despite ups and downs, for the past 3 long years of my life… most which were definitely more positive than credit was properly given for. I wish I had seen everything in this perspective sooner. I wish things were different.